Wednesday, May 18, 2016

He Sees Me...

Yesterday I left alone for a trip to see some family and friends.  It might seem like bad timing, but I really need this trip.  Some time to get away and reflect, time for some much needed distraction.

I had everything perfectly planned.  

Got through airport security without a hitch.  Even my checked bag was a half pound under weight!

I was excited.

Needed some coffee and lunch was rushed, so I got a slice of pizza while I waited at the gate.

Well, the slice of pizza was a waste. Two reasons: one being a guy getting off the plane I was about to get on.  Not unusual except for the barf bag he was puking in as he walked by.  Now not hungry...

Second reason was the worst.  The gate attendant approached me as asked if I had purchased a second seat.

First thought would be why would I do that!?  When he suggested that I get a second seat to be more comfortable, tears began to fall.

Yes, I was humilated.  I am not a small frail frame.  But I have never been approached and told I should get another seat because of my size.  I am not so much of a size that I can't fit in an airline seat.  People witnessed this exchange.  Where is the hole I can crawl into?

I have never wanted to be so small in my whole life.  A room full of people, tears stinging my eyes and no response seemed like it would make this all go away.

Of course I got the second seat.  I even got marched to the front of the line to board, right after those who needed wheelchairs.  

Hot stinging tears streamed my face, trying desperately to hide them. I crawled into the very first seat and did my absolute best not to be noticed.  

After two flights to my final destination were over, it was much later than what I had expected.  The hotel shuttle was no longer running, but my stamina to endure this day was waning.

I ended up just picking up the rental early.  The ladies were nice, but there is worry set in now because of my travel plans and the thought that my car might have a tracker on it. Great. After getting lost (being that it was 1:30am and every under construction) I finally got to my hotel.  The unfriendly hostess checked me in and I went to my room.

After a day of being exposed and embarassed, I thought I would just take a shower and head for bed.  

Opened my suitcase to find that the TSA furthered my embarrassment by rifling through my suitcase.  At least they left a note. How nice.

I changed and crawled into my bed.  The TV was no relief.  I just wanted to run.  

I grabbed my bible.  For whatever reason, Psalms 34 came to my mind.

Psalms 34:4-7 to be more exact.

(esv) "I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears.  Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.  This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles.  The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them."

It kept coming back to me.  "The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him..."  He encamps around me.  

The NLT says the angel of the Lord STANDS GUARD.  

My desperation was that God not only help me, settle my fears, deliver me from these troubles, but that He stand guard.

The promises of God are sweet to the soul.  They bring healing salve to the wounds this world inflicts.

Those who look to God, especially in their desperation, shall never be ashamed.  And He will stand guard over them and deliver them.  I know that doesn't mean the circumstances I am experiencing will magically be erased.

To me, it means that nothing will get past God.  His love, grace and mercy is the solace I need when I am scared.  His faithfulness and comfort I can count on when life is mean.  It means that He will will stand watch while I rest.  I need that.  I want it.  I am desperate for that.  

I got up this morning with those wounds of yesterday still fresh.  I know that God is aware and present too.  This poor (wo)man has cried, and I am confident the Lord has heard.  (vs 6)

This trip is to be a time of rest and peace for me.  The timing might seem poor, but it isn't.  I need this refreshment, and I am counting on God to meet me here.  It isn't that I can't get what I need from home, but this time away is something I believe GOD has pressed on me.  Like the mountain that keeps calling me to retreat, this is what I need.

I don't know why things happened yesterday to make the day so hard.  With anything we try to do in following you, the enemy pricks on our weaknesses.  I know he intends to create doubt about what we are doing.  I know he intends to harm us so that we will stop forging ahead.  Lord, I am crying to you.  My fragile confidence needs Your touch.  To be confident in who I am in you and not what the world sees.  Father, I am counting on your army of angels to stand guard against whatever plan the enemy has.  I know that You are working, and even the wounds I have you will heal.  Save me from these troubles.  Encourage others through my experience, so they can see You too.  You are bigger and greater than anything I go through.  Yet you care deeply about every detail of my life.  Even the hair on my head is numbered.  Jesus, I am asking for You to come. Please, Lord Jesus, come.  I need Thee.  -In Your Name, Amen.