It is terribly difficult to pray when you just can't find the words. It is terribly difficult to sort out truth in the midst of lies and distrust. It is hard to find God's hand in the mess. I am sure it is there, and I know there is a promise He will keep. When the painful words of others cut deeply, and often, it is is a struggle to find mercy.
When someone betrays your trust, it seems like a knife has stabbed you directly in the soul. Nothing can separate the pain and sorrow from anything else. The worst afflictions, I believe, are from one believer to another.
When what you say is used against you, twisted to make you look vile and then sentenced unjustly by someone who deems themselves far superior in faith than you, where do you go?
I don't believe that God's intention of demonstrated grace and mercy was that we would use it as an excuse to lord over another person. I don't think He wanted us to hold each other captive by an unforgiving spirit. I refuse to admit that God wanted us to use our faith as power to manipulate our circumstances for our own benefit and disregard others entirely.
I have to confess. I am really angry right now. These descriptions I just gave is exactly what I feel is happening within the family of believers here at home. Reputations are ruined because the "authorities" have appointed themselves "sheriffs of the truth." Anyone who disagrees with even one word of their plan are removed from volunteering, teaching, impacting others, and deemed having a "heart problem."
The vision was clear at one time. The purpose was to be a living example of who Christ is in hope that others would come to know Him personally too. The education was solid and while there was struggle often, the unity was there.
Then changes came. First it was financial devastation. We banded together in the hope that we could save the vision. God was grand and miraculous as we together prayed for His faithful provision! How great it was.
The sad part, there still is a deeper sickness. The enemy has crept in, and little by little torn down the faith we had together, turning us against each other. Egos trump truth. Blackmail, ruined reputations, distrust, spying and lies taint the testimony.
Can God still do great things, yes. It will take humbling and repentance. It will take so much more than the few warriors who fight for truth can offer. One by one, those who want truth are cast out as if they are nothing. No service and sacrifice is appreciated enough to be given grace. There is no grace. There is no mercy.
I am angry. It isn't right, and my heart is broken for many of those who are fighting and losing. This isn't how it should be. This isn't what God intended. Why does He allow it? I just can't believe that the injustice, greed and pride is what God wants among his own children! It is becoming more and more intense.
I plead with God. Have I fought perfectly? NO. I want to say that I have. I want to say that I have been righteous in my anger at all times. Sadly, I have not been. I am deeply affect by that. Just as God would deal with me, I plead that he would deal with those who are tearing others apart. I didn't cause this battle. I don't know how it started.
There is still so much focus on the trees. (reference to earlier post)