When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
Ask me at any time how I am doing right now. The answer you would get varies by the minute. Sometimes I am fine, and really fine. Sometimes I am angry. Other times I am worried. And on occasion I am good.
Why the emotional roller coaster? About a month ago now, my husband was laid off. It was a totally "out of left field" punch in the gut! There has been no rhyme or reason for it. It was undeserved and personal. And it wasn't just my husband. It was family members too!
The first week was rough. Really rough. It was a lot of revengeful chatting, late nights filled with tears, having drinks with friends to commiserate, regretting the woulda/shoulda/coulda. We were processing through grief, fear, anger, a lack of understanding or answers.
As each day moves forward, we do as well. One foot in front of the other. My husband right away started cleaning and updating the resume. Filing for unemployment. Fighting to get his personal belongings back, (which he was NOT given a chance to retrieve before being escorted from the building). We started searching for things to sell. Looking for odd jobs to make a little cash. Cutting budget items.
While I have complete faith God not only knew this was coming, AND has a plan to move us in a direction that brings Him more glory and our good...It DOES NOT stop me from sometimes letting the fear take hold. Especially over our financial picture.
Everyone knows that you should be prepared for events such as these financially. It is where we all are hit the most tangibly. We were working hard on that. But we weren't quite there.
We had just bought a house early last fall. We have a son in college, credit cards to pay and medical debt. We were fiercely attacking the things that we needed to after major movements like that. We hadn't quite gotten recovered before WHAM! No more income coming in for who knows how long. All saving, paying down debt, everything came to a screeching halt until further notice.
We know God provides all things! He is the Jehovah Jireh. Our great Provider. We have already seen it happen!
The first example was a two weeks ago. My husband graduated with his Bachelor's Degree that weekend. We had planned to have a nice dinner with a special group of people after the ceremony. Our intention the whole time was to pay for dinner. When Hubby got laid off, we weren't sure what would happen. We chose not to say anything either way both out of embarrassment and uncertainty. We decided to let God sort it out, praying for his help. God granted us the desired of our heart to bless the people who have supported and loved on us. Right before dinner, I was handed the means to ensure dinner was paid for from a completely unexpected source. It covered what was needed without taking out of own limited resources, and gave us the privilege to bless our loved ones. It was humbling. It was tangible evidence that God was present with us in our circumstances. It meant so much to us.
To see the relief and joy on Hubby's face was good enough for me. We know God cares about even the little things. We know that it will be alright.
Even with our confidence in Christ as our Provider, the emotions still rise and fall like the tidal waves.
We have been down this road before. In a much different place where our lives were already stretched too thin. It was 7 years ago, albeit feels like a lifetime. We were beyond broke, struggling in our marriage, on the brink of losing our home (which we did 2 years later), and being crushed by outside pressure and judgement from people we trusted.
It was a really hard time, and there were some very dark places. We made it through, learning so much about God's provision and about each other too. It stretched and pulled, now stronger for it.
When Hubby called the morning of April 11th, I knew...we were heading back to the trenches. We are in a different place along the journey, but fear took hold fast. I didn't want to go back. I didn't want to go through that again. I had nightmares for a week. I tiptoe around my house, to keep my distance, afraid of either being a basket-case, or being angry. Hubby does too. We are always on the brink of something, and often we take it out on each other. we know we aren't to blame, it just happens.
The pressure to appear strong is exhausting. I don't want to live under scrutiny again. I am back in that place where I feel every penny spent earns judgment from others whether it is their business or not. Every decision makes us question what direction we might be headed.
This is NOT the worst thing that can happen, and I know that others deal with far heavier loads. I do not make light of that. Each of us are given only according to God's purpose. Whatever that might be and regardless of being able to make sense of it. He is working. Always. Intentionally.
He will provide the strength we need until the purpose and provision is complete. We walk through the process in FAITH as we WAIT for God to show us where he is working. I know HE IS!
This post is raw, vulnerable, but honest. These emotions come in waves. But my foundation is secure. I am still grateful each day for the littlest things. I am watching for God to meet our need. Would I love a winning lottery ticket that will cover the financial obligations on our plate right now? Sure! But luck is not something to count on.
Only God knows what we need and I have to trust that He sees more than I can. I have to WAIT for His timing. My Jehovah Jireh will take care of us. While we work to do our best, He will do the rest. The provisions may not come as I expect, or look like what I hoped for, but they will be infinitely better than I planned! That is something I can count on!
Psalms 91-94 has been a source of encouragement for me recently. Read it and be encouraged too.
Psalms 91-94 (Bible Gateway, NIV)